


Wash Me Clean

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 1999-05-03
Updated: 1999-05-03
Packaged: 2018-11-10 18:36:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11132475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: Ray decides to move up North with Ben. This story is a sequel to Being There.





	Wash Me Clean

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Wash Me Clean

 

**This is the sequel to Being There. So you may want to  
read that story first. It's on the Archive**

**As usual its an m/m story. Its also hurt/comfort.**

# Wash Me Clean
    
    
     
    Ray was being too quiet and the frown on his face
     was deepening as they waited at the small airport.
    He was managing to hold to his promise, that he 
    would let Ben do all the talking and handling of their
    boarding passes and luggage this time.  He 
    continued to stay unhappy as they boarded the 
    small plane that would take them to the Northwest
    Territories and Ben's home... soon to be Ray's as well.
    As they sat in the plane, there was a feeling of deja
    vu that they both couldn't shake, because they 'had' done
    this before with disastrous results.  Ben figured Ray
    wouldn't be happy again until they safely landed.  He'd 
    wait him out, because he knew this was something they
    both wanted.  He was excited about sharing with Ray the
    beautiful wide open spaces of his beloved home and was 
    looking forward to time 'alone' with him, that their lives in 
    Chicago hadn't always been able to provide.
    
    Ben had spent alot of time soul-searching and re-finding
    himself during the six months they were apart and he was
    thankful he had made the decision to go back to Chicago to 
    reclaim his lover.  He had been worried at first that Ray 
    ight not want him back or wouldn't come with him, but here
    he was, sitting right next to him now... committing himself, 
    by this simple act, to sharing Ben's life and heart.
    
    Headed for the Territories with Ray again, he couldn't help
    but recall when they had tried to go to the cabin that one
    time last year, but didn't quite make it.  Their plane had 
    been hijacked and then crashed in the wilderness. He looked 
    over now at his savior from that time and smiled lovingly at him. Ray
    although scared and unfamiliar with wilderness survival,
    had kept his cool - for the most part - and cared for him when
    he was seriously injured, even when he had become a burden. 
    He knew he had been a burden, but Ray would never have said
    so.  Ben couldn't resist teasing his stern-faced companion as
    he reached out to place a reassuring hand on his arm. "Steve, 
    don't worry.  I've calculated the odds and they're in our favor
    this time."  He got the reaction he hoped for.  Ray's startled 
    worried look was priceless. "Steve?  Who is this Steve you're 
    always talking about?  A former lover or something?  I'm starting to
    get jealous Benny.  What?"  Fraser couldn't help but giggle at that.
    "Yeah, yeah, laugh it up at my expense.", but now he was
    smiling too.  The flight was thankfully uneventful and they 
    successfully touched down at their proper destination.  They still had
    quite a long journey ahead of them.
    
    He continued with good-naturedly teasing his
    partner.  "Hmmm."  Ray took the bait.  "Ya know you
    really drive me crazy when you do that.  Should I
    take out my back-up gun?  What's wrong now?"
    Fraser tried to keep a serious face. "I can't seem
    to spot the dogsled I ordered." He pointed over
    Ray's shoulder. "Ah, there it is."  As Ray turned
    around to where he pointed, "Hey, you didn't
    mention nothing about us joining the Ididerod."
    When he saw that there was no dogsled, but an all-
    terrain vehicle where his friend pointed, he
    breathed a sigh of relief.  Ray had unpleasant
    memories of the last time he rode in a dogsled.  He
    had been suffering from injuries accrued earlier
    and was being jostled painfully around in the
    contraption.  What made it worse was at the same
    time, he and Fraser were being pursued by thugs on
    snowmobiles shooting at them.  They had come
    through so many rough times together; that incident
    being just one of the first of many.
    
    As they drove away from the airport, Ben could see
    that Ray was enjoying the scenic beauty all around
    them.  Summer in the Territories, although short,
    was quite beautiful.  It sure looked alot more
    welcoming than the last time Ray had visited a
    couple of years earlier, when the snow was thick
    and the temperatures frigid.  However, this time
    they'd have no interruptions from an army of thugs
    out to get them or plane hijackers trying to kill
    them.  His excitement at being on his old stomping
    grounds again, seemed to be spilling over to Ray,
    as he gave him the guided tour laced with personal
    stories about his growing up here.
    
    Ben knew that Ray still wanted to make good on the
    promise he'd made to him to help him rebuild his
    father's cabin, that nightmarish time he'd been
    shot by him.  Ray's first attempt to honor that
    promise had only resulted in Fraser being severely
    injured again.  He knew that Ray was silently
    reminded of this every time they made love, when he
    saw the scar on his back.  He'd felt him kiss that
    spot so many times, but still no matter how hard
    Ben wished for it to do so, that physical reminder
    wouldn't fade away.  Fraser had forgiven him for
    it, but knew his dearest friend and lover would
    never forgive himself and would do whatever it took
    to make it up to him.  Ben knew that it amused Ray
    that although he had rebuilt the cabin already
    without him, he had left the bathroom for him to
    help build.  It was an in-joke between them,
    because of Ray's reaction to the cabin's outdoor
    facilities when he first visited and later when he
    was recuperating from the gunshot wound an eager to
    please overly repentant Ray had offered to pay for
    the materials and fixtures to build an indoor one.
    He really had wanted Ray to have a hand in helping
    rebuild, maybe in this way some of his guilt from
    that time too would be assuaged.
    
    Almost an hour later, they drove along the dirt
    road that would soon lead to Fraser's home.  Ben
    radiated pure joy when the Fraser homestead had
    started to come into view.  Ray reached over to his
    friend and gently moved the back of his hand along
    his cheek.  "Welcome home Benny."  Fraser removed
    one hand from the steering wheel and took the
    proffered hand in his and kissed it.  "Its your
    home now too."
    
    They drove through the entrance of the driveway and
    Fraser pulled up alongside the front of the house.
    Ben watched in delight as Ray's eyes widened at the
    sight of 'the cabin'.  It certainly didn't look
    like the same cabin that was here that last time he
    visited.  It really couldn't be called a cabin now,
    it was more like a house.  It was larger and
    consisted of more rooms than just the one it had
    before.
    
    Fraser was excited and wanted to show his new
    roommate around the place he'd created for them
    both.  He eagerly tugged at Ray's hand pulling him
    up the front stairs to the porch, then inside, all
    the while keeping up a running commentary as if he
    were an over eager real estate agent trying to sell
    the place.  They went from room to room, Ben
    pointing out this, that or the other thing to his
    companion.  As he was going into detail about the
    sink, he felt a finger placed on his lips and saw
    Ray's laughing eyes and mouth.  "Shhh.  Don't worry
    we'll have plenty of time to talk about two-by-
    fours and plumbing, ok?  Its beautiful.  I love it.
    You've sold me on it.  How much is it gonna cost
    me?"  Ben laughed with him when he realized he had
    been rambling so much, that the normally talkative
    one - Ray - hadn't been able to get a word in since
    he started the tour.  Suggestively Ben responded,
    "Just kiss me now as a down payment, we'll discuss
    the rest of the terms of sale later."  Ray did as
    Ben wished, as they kissed for the first time in
    'their' new home. 
    
    ***************************************************
    The first night at the 'cabin', Ben wanted so much
    for them to share that exhilarating passion they
    once had before.  During their separation he'd
    imagined a number of times his lover here with him
    and that they would be able to just pick up where
    they left off before the rape.  But now that his
    lover was here, Ray had been kind of stand-offish
    towards him in that regard.  Not that he wasn't
    attentive and affectionate, but he seemed hesitant
    to touch him as intimately, in that way he had
    which engulfed Ben's body in a fire which couldn't
    be doused without his first making love to him.
    
    Ben decided to make the first move, as he came up
    behind his lover washing their dinner dishes at the
    sink.  He moved in close, melding their bodies
    together, placing his arms around Ray's waist,
    nuzzling his neck and placing soft kisses there,
    then warmly breathed into a receptive ear "I want
    you."  The dish in Ray's hand was quickly
    forgotten, as his lover shifted in his embrace to
    face him.  Those expressive eyes looked deep into
    his blue ones, "You call the shots on this Benny.
    We'll go with whatever's comfortable for you, ok?"
    Ben smiled and nodded, moving his head slightly for
    a kiss.  Soon soapy wet hands cupped his face and
    it felt so good when their lips met and he let his
    tongue tease Ray's.  It wasn't long before he could
    feel Ray's heat along with the building pressure of
    his erection straining against Ben through their
    clothing.
    
    They made their way to the bed shortly thereafter.
    Ben was touched by how gentle Ray was being with
    him, holding back slightly, letting him lead.
    Lying together on the bed, kissing, touching,
    fondling, Ben thought that by now he'd have also
    become erect, but he found his body and mind
    betraying him with impotence.  Ray's reactions and
    body was signalling his readiness to move on to the
    next stage, but Ben wasn't in synch.  His stomach
    was in knots and he was beginning to tense up.  Ben
    closed his eyes in frustration, discomfort and
    shame for doing this to his lover.  Squirming now
    and pushing at Ray to get away from him, he sadly,
    quickly and forcefully said, "I'm sorry Ray, but we
    have to stop!  Stop!"  Ray, still aroused, managed to stop
    his amorous attentions as soon as Ben's distress
    registered in his sensation inflamed mind.  He fell
    away from Ben and onto his pillow, turning his
    flushed face to the side to gaze at Ben, who felt a
    soft squeeze on his hand, as Ray huskily breathed
    out, "Don't worry.  Its ok.  I understand."  Ben
    was miserable for having teased his
    lover like this. "But I got you all worked up for
    nothing.  I'm so sorry."  Ray gave him a
    sympathetic yet mischievous look as he rose from
    the bed and headed for the other room, "Its ok.
    I'll handle it."
    
    Ben lay on his side berating himself for thinking
    that their lovemaking could go back to the way it
    had been before.  He knew he loved Ray deeply, even
    more now than ever, and had enjoyed the sex they
    once shared.  Why couldn't he now?  His heart was
    saying 'yes', but his body and subconscious were
    screaming 'no'.
    
    The bed moved slightly when Ray, now in his boxers,
    returned to sit down next to him.  Rolling over
    onto his back Ben looked up at what he thought he'd
    see - disappointment in him - but instead he was
    rewarded with a smile and a caress to his cheek.
    "Ya know there's some pretty strange sounds outside
    this cabin of your's.  I thought it was gonna be
    quiet and peaceful out here.  But there's so much
    noise out there, with owls hooting, crickets
    cricketing and I *don't* want to know what that
    growling was; I'll never get any sleep.  Its even
    louder than the city."   Ben couldn't help but
    laugh, "Crickets cricketing Ray?"  Pretending to be
    offended, "Hey give me a break.  I'm not from
    around here.  I haven't had a chance to learn all
    the lingo yet.  But I'm working on it.  In no time
    at all I'll be saying 'hey' and 'hoser' with the
    best of them."  Ben teased with an academic air, "I
    think you mean 'eh' Ray.  You're accents getting in
    the way."  With a hurt tone he got a "What accent?"
    replied to that.  "Surry to tell you this Ray, but
    you have an accent."  Petulant and playful, he
    responded "Don't.  Its you that has the accent.
    'Surry' yeah right!"  Fraser smiled and shook his
    head, "Ray you're in Canada now.  You're
    outnumbered.  *YOU* have the accent."  Ray
    countered him with, "Outnumbered by what?  Caribou?
    I don't have an accent."  "Do."  "Don't." and then
    he felt a sudden tug at his lips, before he could
    get the entire next "Do" out, which ended up cut
    off in Ray's mouth.  When his captive mouth was
    finally released, "Ray is that how you're going to
    end all of our arguments from now on?"  Lying
    nestled in the crook of Fraser's arm now, with his
    head on his chest, idly stroking him, "Just the
    one's where I'm in the right.  Which will be
    always."  Shifting the arm around Ray to pull him
    closer, he kissed the dark head that was resting on
    him. "Thanks Ray."  "For what?"  "For being you."
    
    ***************************************************
    
    A week had passed in which Ben got to show Ray
    around the homestead and a few of his old haunts.
    He'd put in for 3 weeks of stored up vacation time
    to spend with Ray to get him adjusted to his new
    life here.  Today he was taking him to picnic by
    'his' lake.  The first time he remembered laying
    eyes on it, his mother had brought him here when he
    was very young.  She had told him that it was
    called "Benton Lake" and that she loved this place
    so much, she named him after it.  From then on it
    became his favorite place too, especially after she
    died, because he always felt close to her here.
    
    >From the cabin it took about an hour to hike to,
    and he'd left this morning with Ray to come here.
    Ray was as amusing as ever with his running
    commentary about everything and anything around
    them as they made their way up here.  But "Are we
    there yet?" was becoming a more frequent whine and
    he was glad that the lake was just around the
    corner now.  It was as placid and beautiful as he
    remembered.  He hadn't been here since he'd first
    left for Chicago, a few years ago, but he always
    carried a picture of this spot in his head,
    especially for those days in the city when he
    needed to meditate on something peaceful.  He heard
    a sharp intake of breath coming from behind him,
    then a reverent voice, "Wow! Does it have a name?"
    Pleased at his friend's reaction, "Yes.  Its called
    'Benton Lake'."  Ben felt a hand slip into his, "I
    can see why you're named after it.  Its as
    breathtakingly beautiful as you are."  Ben blushed
    slightly and rubbed his thumb along the hand inside
    his, "This was my mother's favorite place and its
    mine too.  I wanted to share it with you."  Ray
    raised their clasped hands to his lips and kissed
    Ben's, "I'm glad."
    
    They set up their picnic close to the lake and just
    relished the sun beating down on them, the clouds
    reflected on the water and each other's company.
    At one point after their meal, ever-observant Ben
    noticed a momentary cloud passing over Ray's
    features. "What's wrong Ray?"  Ray tried to hide
    the melancholy mood with a forced smile. "Nothin'.
    Just thinking that you mentioned your mother liking
    it here.  I was thinking about mine.  She'd
    probably like it too."  Ben started to truly
    realize how much Ray had given up to be here with
    him.  Ray was used to a large family and lots of
    people around him, his work, the city and all its
    attractions.  Here he had taken him away from all
    that he loved and was familiar with, hardly
    stopping to realize that Ray may be homesick and
    missing his family.  Ben should have known better,
    having had to deal with that feeling himself when
    he first moved to Chicago and away from his beloved
    Canada and the beautiful solitude of the
    Territories.  But he hadn't had anyone to miss or
    be missed by him when he had left, like Ray. 
    
    He sidled up next to his friend on the picnic
    blanket and placed an arm around his shoulders.
    "Ray I understand.  You don't have to worry about
    telling me you miss your family.  I know you love
    them and worry about them.  I don't ever want to
    stand in the way of that.  You're not a prisoner
    here.  You can come and go as you want.  Just
    please come as often as possible.  Ok?"  Ray's eyes
    told him so much as he responded bittersweetly, "My
    home is wherever you are Benny.  Ya know, I tried
    to explain that to my family before we left, but I
    don't know if they really understood."
    
    Ben remembered going with Ray to lend support as he
    broke the news about their relationship to his
    family and his decision to leave them.  It felt
    right to bring it out into the open, no longer
    having to lie to them, but now he could see the
    toll this had taken on his friend.  They had told
    Mrs. Vecchio first.  He recalled how nervous Ray
    had been when he approached her in the kitchen, "Ma
    I need to talk with you."  He remembered Mrs.
    Vecchio had been surprised to see him there with
    Ray, especially when she noticed Ray had Ben's hand
    held firmly in his.  She had given them her full
    attention immediately then and had been very open-
    minded about what they had to tell her.  Ray was
    talking now. "I know I hurt ma, but she assured me
    she understood.  It still amazes me how well she
    can read me, especially since she admitted to
    suspecting us.  I hope she keeps her promise to
    visit us sometime."  Ben confessed, "Your mother
    spoke to me alone, while you were talking to
    Francesca, but asked that I not tell you then.  She
    told me that she loved you very much and that she
    knew that I did too 'now'.  Your mother is a very
    wise woman.  Though she was angry at me, rightfully
    so, for what I put you through.  She threatened me
    to look after you well or else.  I'm charged with
    making sure you don't get eaten by wild animals and
    that your fed well." Ray smiled, glad that Ben
    shared this because it helped to know that his
    mother had accepted Ben, "Yeah, that sounds like
    ma.  I'm glad she spoke with you. I was surprised
    at how supportive Theressa was and Tony, well, he
    probably still doesn't have a clue.  I'll bet he
    doesn't even realize I'm in Canada."  They both
    laughed at that, recalling telling Theressa and her
    husband.  Tony was a good-hearted decent man, but
    thick headed.  The conversation turned to Francesca
    now, Ben hadn't gone with Ray to talk with her.
    They felt it would lessen the blow if Fraser
    weren't there.  Ray promised him that he would be
    gentle with how he told her.  Ray hadn't really
    told him much about that meeting.  He was so upset
    at the time he left her that he didn't want to talk
    about it then, but now he told him what he already
    suspected.  Ray took a deep breath, "Oh Benny, the
    one that hurts the most is Frannie.  The devastated
    look on her face was horrible.  Then those hateful
    words.  Ya know, she even cursed me to die of AIDS.
    Man, I still hear her vowing to never see or talk
    to me again.  But that didn't surprise me, I kind
    of expected it, but it still doesn't hurt any
    less."  Ray's sad pained eyes were cast down, as he
    idly played with a napkin in his hand.  Ben placed
    a hand under Ray's chin, lifting it slowly to force
    him to look at him. "Ray, I know you love her.  But
    you're not to blame for hurting her, she's the one
    hurting herself.  If she wants to punish someone it
    should be me, not you, because I don't want her, I
    want you."  With that he embraced his lover and
    kissed him tenderly, hoping to syphon away some of
    Ray's sadness.
    ***************************************************
    One night while lying in bed, Ben couldn't stop
    himself from asking. "Ray, forgive me for asking
    this, but its been bothering me for a while.  Were
    you with anyone while we were separated?  I know it
    shouldn't matter.  I was the one who pushed you
    away then and you're back with me now, but..."
    Ray's head turned quickly to look at Ben. "No
    Benny, no.  If you're hinting about Louise, I've
    wanted to talk to you about that.  Is it ok to talk
    about this?"  Ben swallowed then nodded, "Yes.  I
    started this topic of conversation afterall."
    
    Ray continued in earnest, "I was afraid to tell you
    that day you accused me of making love to her.  You
    were so angry, I didn't think anything I said about
    it would have mattered.  Oh god Benny, you don't
    know how many times I wished she hadn't caught up
    to me.  Elaine was right about my sneaking out the
    back stairwell.  What you didn't know; I was trying
    to avoid Louise 'again'.  But she spotted me.  I
    was trapped.  She started talking to me about a
    case we were on.  What she expected from me; ended
    up with a stack of folders twice as big as she
    usually gives me to boot.  Then bang, suddenly
    she's switching the conversation to: Why was I
    avoiding her; Why wasn't I calling?  Why didn't I
    like her any more?  Oh man, I really handled the
    closing of that relationship badly Benny.  I was so
    wrapped up in my love for you and in having time
    for us, that I didn't tie up all the loose ends
    with Louise.  I was such a jerk.  I hadn't realized
    I'd botched up so badly.  She was in tears and I
    was beside myself trying to talk to her.  I told
    her there was someone else, but not who...  I'm
    sure she knows now though.  Nothing happened
    between us Benny.  You've gotta believe me.  Please
    believe me."  The eyes that were pleading with him
    now for his faith in what was just said won him
    over.  "I do.  I'm sorry for ever thinking you'd
    ever be unfaithful to me.  Forgive me."   Ray
    responded, "Benny I won't deny it hurt to hear you
    say it, but you were forgiven as soon as you did.
    Besides its me who should be asking you for
    forgiveness.  I'm the one that let you down.  I
    wasn't there when you needed me.  I should have
    been there to get you at the consulate.  If
    only..."  Ben's finger went to Ray's lips to stop
    the next flow of words, "I can't blame you for what
    happened to me Ray, it wouldn't be fair, so please
    promise me you'll stop taking the blame on
    yourself.  Promise me Ray."  Ray whispered out
    weakly "I'll try."  "Don't try Ray.  Promise me."
    Ray swallowed and said "I promise."
    
    Ben gazed at his lover, amazed all over again that
    Ray was actually here with him.  Afraid if he
    closed his eyes and opened them again, he would be
    gone, leaving him only a dream.  After having been
    so self-absorbed for so many months, Ben had
    recently been imagining what Ray must have gone
    through.  Ray, although not physically there, had
    been a victim of the rape almost as much as he had
    been.  He had vague recollections of a
    compassionate Ray comforting him and taking care of
    him the night it had happened and after.  Then all
    those terrible things he'd said to hurt him and how
    he behaved towards Ray came back to haunt him now.
    
    Ben wished he could take back all he'd done to hurt
    him, especially the one thing he'd done that caused
    his friend and lover the most pain, his rejection
    of him when he ran away. "Ray please forgive me for
    shutting you out and ever leaving you."  Ray held
    him tighter, "Ahh Benny, I'm here aren't I?  If you
    need to hear the words too: I forgive you... I love
    you.  I just wish you could have talked to me,
    opened up to me then; let me share your burden. Ya
    know, while you were gone I did some soul-searching
    of my own.  My family and the precinct gang
    couldn't stand being around me.  I don't blame
    them, I couldn't stand being around me either.  I
    was moody obnoxious bastard to everyone.... And
    don't you dare say 'What's so abnormal about that
    Ray?'... I don't remember how it happened, but one
    day I ended up at Dr. Lowell's door. I visited him
    a couple of times after that.  I'd had a revelation
    at some point that you weren't so much rejecting
    me, as rejecting - out of fear - love in all its
    forms.  You may have thought you ran from me then
    Benny, but you never really went that far away,
    because you were and are always in my heart and
    mind."  Ben was moved by his words and surprised at
    how much his lover had grown in wisdom and
    compassion.  "Thanks Ray.  I like being in here and
    here.", each 'here' was followed by a kiss, first
    to Ray's forehead and the next above his heart.
    
    Ben's next words were hard, because he hadn't
    talked about Diefenbaker in so long, but that
    didn't mean he'd ever forgotten his loyal friend.
    He rushed through this as fast as he could, "Ray, I
    need to talk about Dief... I feel as if I let him
    down.  I never even tried to give him a proper
    burial.  I couldn't make myself go back there.  And
    I'm sorry I told you that I thought you didn't like
    him.  I know you did."  Ray gathered his lover into
    his arms from behind.  "Don't worry.  Huey and I
    found him.  I saw to it he was properly cared for."
    Ray didn't go into detail about his searching every
    alleyway from the consulate to Fraser's apartment
    until he and Huey found the wolf.  The state of the
    beloved wolf when he found it and knowing what had
    transpired in that alleyway had made Ray retch then
    and it was all he could do to continue with his sad
    task.  He was thankful that Benny had never gone
    back there, he never would again either.
    
    Fraser was trembling at the thought of Ray having
    been in that horrific place and then pieces of that
    tragic day started to fill him again.  But then the
    images were held at bay as Ben felt the arms around
    him tighten, lips at his cheek, then soft words
    spoken in his ear "Benny, its ok.  I know Dief
    loved you and willingly died for you... I would
    too."  Ben concentrated on the nearness of his
    lover, turning in his embrace, placing his head on
    Ray's chest and then a kiss there as he replied, "I
    know.  Thanks for taking care of Dief for me.  I
    miss him so much."
    
    ***************************************************
    
    Ben had been called away for a special assignment
    which interrupted his vacation plans.  He'd been
    sent to find a couple of kids, that had gotten lost
    while camping and hiking with their family.  Ben
    had apologized profusely to Ray for leaving him,
    but Ray understood the need for his friend's
    excellent tracking skills and expert knowledge of
    the Territories, which was so desperately needed
    now.  Besides his being away worked out so he could
    pick up the surprise he had in store for Ben.
    Today he would be picking up a present for Ben and
    also one for himself.  The packages should have
    arrived yesterday at the small airport, in the
    small town about an hour away which passed for
    civilization.
    
    As he drove Benny's all-terrain vehicle, he
    couldn't help but miss the feel of his Riv.
    Arriving at the airport before noon, he entered the
    cargo hangar and his eyes lit up when he spotted
    his beloved Buick Riviera parked in there.  He knew
    that it probably wouldn't fare well here in the
    Territories, especially during the worst of the
    winter months, so he figured he'd keep it in the
    barn during that time.  It was his prized
    possession, whether or not he drove it much didn't
    matter, he just wanted it here with him.  Having it
    brought up was in a way a symbol of his commitment
    to stay here with Benny.  "Hello sweetheart" he
    said to the doted on car as he inspected it closely
    from one end to the other.  He lovingly ran his
    hand along its hood, "I missed you."  He opened the
    door, sat inside with his eyes closed, as he turned
    over the engine. "Oooh that's nice."  After
    reuniting with his 'baby', he soon had the Riv
    hooked to the tow of Benny's car.
    
    He entered the airport cargo hangar again and
    looked around for someone to help him find Benny's
    gift.  He entered the office of the airport manager
    and was greeted by a big friendly dog.  Smiling, he
    patted the dog's head and said "Hello Lincoln.
    You're gonna make a certain mountie very happy."
    The dog had been shipped up here in a cage, but the
    airport manager and the workers at the airport had
    taken such a liking to the young playful dog, that
    they let it roam free among them.  He signed the
    necessary paperwork, let the airport workers say
    good-bye to the dog and went back home with his 2
    friends - a Riviera and a Lincoln - in tow, one
    literally so.
    
    ***************************************************
    
    It was quite lonely with Ben away, especially now
    that it was night time.  He'd gotten spoiled by
    having his lover all to himself for a little over a
    week. Ben had only been gone since very early this
    morning, but already he missed him.  He was going
    to have to find himself a job up here soon, or he
    was going to go stir crazy whenever Ben was
    working.  While he was at the airport earlier, he
    had inquired about finding work and picked up a
    newspaper to help in that department.  He was glad
    he at least had the frisky young dog to keep him
    company and preoccupy him a little bit.  As he
    milled around the house looking for something to
    do, he wished that the satellite dish Fraser had
    promised had been in place already, but it wasn't
    going to be delivered until next week.
    
    Poking through cabinets and drawers to amuse
    himself, he came across Fraser's journals in a deep
    side drawer of his desk.  Most of them looked quite
    old and he'd seen Fraser reading a few of them
    before, those were the one's from Fraser Sr.  There
    were a couple of others bound together with a large
    rubber-band which he hadn't seen before, these
    looked different and newer than the others.
    Debating with himself to read or not to read the
    personal journals was driving him crazy.  The urge
    to read them was overwhelming, but at the same time
    he wanted to respect his friend's privacy.  That's
    when he noticed a piece of paper, slipping out from
    under the rubber-band and slightly folded over from
    its position in the drawer, had his name on it.
    Well it was his name, so it was just like an
    invitation, right?  He removed the slip of paper
    from its secure hold and found it was a note
    addressed to him from Ben.
    
    	Dear Ray,
    
    	If you're reading this, then please stop.  Just
    	kidding.  I know you're too curious for your 	
    	own good sometimes, so I figured I'd save you 	
    	the trouble of worrying about whether or not 	
    	you could read my journals.  Please do.  I have
    	no secrets from you.  Just remember that if you
    	do read these, some of what I write is a  		
    	wrestling with my personal demons.  Also know 	
    	that whatever is said within these pages, 		
    	overall I love you dearly and trust you 		
    	implicitly with this part of myself.
    
    	Love,
    
    	Ben
    
    Ray was still slightly hesitant to read the
    journals, but the curiosity and desire to know more
    about his lover had him opening the first one
    before he really consciously allowed it.  Ben's
    journals started with his first coming to Chicago
    and ended with a more recent date around the time
    he had come back to Chicago to bring Ray up north
    with him.  Ray was afraid to read the entries
    around the time of the rape, but wanted so much to
    understand what his friend had gone through and
    gain insight into how he might be able to help him
    now.  Therefore he chose the journals covering that
    timeframe, starting his reading from a week before
    the rape and would try to read until the most
    recent entry in the following journal. 
    
    It had been over 6 months since the tragic incident
    and about 3 weeks now since they reunited, but they
    still hadn't been able to make love.  Oh, they
    kissed and petted and teased, but it never left
    that stage.  That one time they had really tried
    to, Ben had to call it quits early on.  It was hard
    for him to be around Benny without desiring or
    being aroused by him, especially at night in bed
    together - Ray was thankful that at least they
    could still share a bed together - it was hard to
    rein himself in, so as not to make Ben feel
    uncomfortable with that aspect of their
    relationship.  He knew his lover was being too hard
    on himself for not being able to sexually please
    him or himself.  Ben was still not ready, may never
    be ready for all he knew.  But he loved him enough
    to have come here, not expecting that they could go
    right back to where they left off.  Content to know
    that he was with him and a needed part of Ben's
    life once again helped.  He hoped that the journals
    would provide him with some answers and
    enlightenment.
    
    He was glad he chose to start with the week before
    the tragedy, because it made for fun reading.  Ben
    had commented on his happiness that Ray's schedule
    was going back to normal and he'd be able to see
    more of him again than just their early morning
    trysts.  Like Ray he had enjoyed them, but wanted
    to have more time together than just this.  There
    were also some amusing anecdotes about his work at
    the consulate and the people he'd helped on certain
    days.  Then there were a few date entries skipped
    over, marking the day of and the next 2 days
    following the rape.  He was now entering the
    dreaded parts of the journal, which would revolve
    around the longlasting nightmare Ben and he were
    trying to awaken from.
    
    These next entries were so dark in tone as compared
    to the previous ones, almost as if they were
    written by someone else, but he knew otherwise.
    The amount of pain, anger, disgust and self-
    loathing in here almost forced him to stop reading
    altogether, especially when he got to the parts
    that spoke of his lover's entertaining suicidal
    tendencies.  He shivered and the pages went
    blurrily in and out of focus, when he came to a
    section describing how close Ben came to actually
    killing himself, just a few days after the rape,
    only moments before Ray had come by that particular
    day to visit with him.  The thought of his almost
    entering Ben's apartment to find him dead shook him
    to the core.
    
    He didn't know how he had made it through that last
    section and into this next one. These were the
    pages where Ben talked about wanting to go 'home'.
    That there was nothing for him in Chicago any more.
    That he'd stayed too long and it had been a waste
    of his time to think that he mattered to anyone or
    made a difference here.  He felt he wasn't meant to
    be around people, they only hurt or disappointed
    him, therefore he wanted to be alone again.  There
    was also some sarcastic commenting on asking
    permission for a transfer back to the Territories.
    He'd been granted the transfer, and he'd been
    allowed to take 2 weeks off before starting active
    duty again.  Determined to return to his native
    Canada, there followed some debating with himself
    about how he would tell Ray that he was leaving.
    At first the words on the page seemed to care about
    how it would be done, then switched gears abruptly
    and coldly by deciding that a brief letter and
    nothing more would suffice.  The pain of seeing all
    this written here stabbed him through the heart.
    He relived Fraser's rejection of him again, but
    quickly forced himself not to wallow amidst these
    old scars of his own and move on.
    
    The date entries were spread out further once he
    was back in the Territories.  But when he did
    return to writing in here, the heavy overtones had
    remained.  Vivid descriptions of the violence
    assaulted on him and the feelings of fear,
    helplessness and self-labeled cowardice it produced
    caused Ray to take a couple of breaks from reading.
    After his self-imposed breaks, he'd force himself
    to return to where he left off.  This allowed him
    to gather up his inner strength to bear what he was
    invited now to share.  He felt sick to his stomach,
    tears welling up in his eyes, with the agony of
    being there now as a witness to Ben's rape.
    Throughout this horrific part of the journal his
    heart and mind were taking a beating, but still he
    read on.
    
    Later came parts here and there revolving around
    Ben's insecurities and confusion in regards to his
    relationship with Ray.  One moment he was writing
    of his feelings of anger and betrayal towards Ray,
    then in the next he was putting him on a pedestal
    and not feeling worthy of him.  At length talking
    about his feelings of jealousy at what he thought
    was Ray's attentions to Louise, which he believed
    set off the start of his living nightmare.  But
    then he was talking about Ray's worry, gentleness
    and kindness towards him after the rape.
    
    The style of writing was so erratic at times, with
    sentences and thoughts all of a sudden ending
    abruptly or taking chaotic twists and turns.
    Scattered throughout there were frighteningly dark,
    moody poems, abstract doodlings and in some cases
    grim artwork, such as the faces of the men who had
    hurt Ben.  Ray recognized them as such, despite the
    fact that after they were drawn they had been
    scribbled over hastily and viciously with a pen.
    He was astounded by his friend's artistic talent
    and eye for detail when he came upon an excellently
    drawn picture of a feral Diefenbaker, in an attack
    stance, ready to leap off the page.
    
    The entries after the first week and a half back in
    the Territories, mentioned Ben's getting an
    unexpected visitor.  It was Eric, the respected
    Inuit shaman that was a friend of Ben's.  Ben spoke
    of Eric's telling him he intuitively knew that
    something was very wrong with him.  Eric was in
    tune to so much around him, that he tracked the
    source of the recent disharmony and imbalance he
    sensed in the area to Ben's door.  He spoke to him
    about his blackened spirit weighing Ben down,
    smothering him.  He offered Ben his spiritual aid
    to help cast out some, if not all, of the demons he
    was facing.  At first Ben didn't feel that this
    'hocus-pocus' was the answer.  Couldn't see it
    working and politely turned down the offer.  In the
    days that followed, the journal told of Ben's
    playing with the idea that maybe Eric could help
    him.  But he was afraid of sharing too much of
    himself and what had happened with anyone else.  It
    still embarassed him and made him feel ashamed,
    that to talk about it with anyone would be
    uncomfortable and frightening to him.
    
    About 2 weeks after returning to the Territories,
    Ben returned to active duty.  He was glad to be
    working again where he wanted to be.  He threw
    himself into his work to keep his mind occupied
    with other things besides the personal hell he'd
    been living in.  Ray noticed a change in Ben's
    behavior towards those he worked with and those he
    was there to help.  Where once he knew Ben didn't
    like feeling like someone on the outside looking
    in, now Ben preferred it that way, and often times
    didn't even want to look in.  His words revealed a
    Benny that had become very reclusive, cold and
    snobbish.
    
    About a month after his return to Canada, Ben had
    spoken of his inability to sleep through the whole
    night without waking in fear.  He was mentally and
    physically exhausted and tired of living with his
    sleeping and waking nightmares.  At about this time
    the decision was made to seek out the Inuit man,
    with the hope that trying Eric's way was better
    than doing nothing about this.  Again he was
    granted time off and went in search of Eric. 
    
    The journal entries stopped here for a while.  They
    resumed with Ben's return from finding the Inuit
    man and living in the Inuit village for those
    missing 2 months in the journal. Whatever Eric and
    the Tschimmian people did for Ben, Ray felt he was
    now forever in their debt.  Because the Ben who
    wrote the next entries after that was no longer as
    dark and erratic as before.  Ray was happy to see
    that there were actually more and more glimpses to
    his old Benny shining through here and there.
    
    He was especially relieved and touched to see the
    smiling portrait Ben had drawn of him a few days
    later into the journal.  It had the tell-tale signs
    of a slightly worn page, which indicated that it
    had been turned to a number of times.  A lump
    formed in his throat as he read the page opposite
    it, which spoke of Ben missing him.  Regretting how
    he'd left their relationship and afraid that all he
    had left of him was his memories and the picture he
    carried with him always in his mind and heart - the
    one he'd drawn.  There was a moving love poem here
    as well and such a sense of sadness at love lost.
    Ray lovingly moved his hand over these written
    pages, as if he could reach out to Ben on that day
    and reassure him all was not lost.  Ray longed to
    have been here then, regretted that he'd never
    actually come up here on his own despite the fear
    of further rejection.  He'd thought about it a
    number of times and even came very close to jumping
    a plane and going to him during their separation,
    but never had the courage to actually do so.
    
    The entries which followed gradually became
    lighter, but still had a sense of sadness, but not
    that deep depression he'd read before.  Ben had
    returned to work now and this time felt truly ready
    to be back there.  Ben began talking about wanting
    to rebuild his father's destroyed cabin now.  He'd
    been staying at one of the deserted and isolated
    RCMP posts when he'd first come back, but now he
    was ready to face this other painful part of his
    life, wishing Ray was there to help him, but
    believing that was not possible.
    
    Ray found himself laughing at some of the entries
    that concerned the rebuilding of the cabin.  At
    times Ben would actually write as if he was talking
    directly to him; asking him questions about what he
    would and wouldn't like in this new house.  Ray
    caught himself answering back to the pages at
    certain points.  Suddenly there was a shift in the
    tone of the journal again.  Ben was angry at
    himself and some of the earlier self-loathing was
    seeping back into his writing.
    
    The reason for the change was made clear when Ben
    spoke of receiving a letter from Lt Welsh.  The
    letter apparently was a kind one, not wanting to
    hurt him, but to let him know that they had found
    the rapists, one of whom had died and the other two
    sent for long term prison sentences at a maximum
    security prison.  Ben was touched by hearing Welsh
    telling him that Ray had been the one to connect
    the men to Fraser's case and relayed to him what a
    good friend he had in Ray, relating the incident at
    the precinct when he'd gone after the men with a
    vengeance.  Ray stored it in the back of his mind
    that he'd have to thank his ex-boss some day for
    being the one to break the news to Fraser and for
    the words on his behalf.
    
    However the letter stirred some dark thoughts
    again.  Ben berated himself for being a coward and
    not doing something to ensure his tormentors had
    seen justice.  He took the death of their last
    victim hard, taking the blame for it on himself.
    Believing that he could have prevented it, by
    finding the criminals himself and bringing them to
    justice, even if it meant coming forward publicly
    to try them for his rape and in so doing reveal his
    homosexual relationship to Ray.  They'd tormented
    him by letting him know they'd been watching him
    for a while and studying his habits before planning
    the attack.  He still wasn't sure if his rapists
    really knew or had just taken a guess when they
    taunted him with their apparent knowledge about Ray
    and himself.  The guilt and empathy over the last
    victim's death was something Fraser was going to
    have come to terms with.  Ray would be there to
    help him should this topic ever come up between
    them in the future.  He had always planned to tell
    Fraser about this at some point, Welsh just helped
    by making it easier for Ray to broach the subject.
    
    After 'the letter', the journal went back to his
    rebuilding the cabin.  There was a debate going on,
    somewhere between the time Ben finished putting in
    the indoor water and the generator, to whether or
    not Ray would want him back and come live with him
    due north, if he went to Chicago when the cabin was
    presentable and asked.  He was afraid of Ray's
    rejection, but felt he would be justified if he
    never wanted to see or talk to him again, he just
    had to know if there was still a chance that they
    could be together again.  Reading this part Ray was
    happy with the decision he'd made to join Ben here
    and share his life.
    
    Finally he reached the end of the last journal,
    staying up all night to do so, he was tired and
    ready for sleep.  He closed then hugged the journal
    close to his chest, placing it on top of a stack
    he'd put down on the part of the bed Ben slept on.
    Laying down next to the small stack, he reached out
    a hand to place on the top cover whispering "Good
    night Benny.", falling asleep in minutes. 
    
    When he awoke he thought he was still in a dream,
    because the stack of journals he had his hand on
    before had somehow turned into his actual lover,
    lying down beside him asleep.  He was still in his
    uniform and must have just crashed there when he
    got home.  Ray moved in closer to him and started
    to fall back asleep, when he felt arms going around
    him and a kiss on his head as a sleepy voice said
    "Hello Ray.  Who's our house guest?  Were you
    making friends while I was away?"  That's when Ray
    noticed Lincoln was at Ben's side, with his snout
    on the bed, breathing on Ben's hip, looking at them
    both with soulful pay-attention-to-me eyes.  He
    introduced the young dog to his new master.
    "Lincoln this is Benny.  Benny meet Lincoln.  He's
    one of Dief's sons.  Listens just as well too, so
    I'm sure of his parentage.  I got him for you.  And
    before you ask, no I didn't dognap him from Jackie
    Alexander.  She gave him to me voluntarily when I
    told her I wanted to buy him from her for you."
    Ben's face went through a few different phases
    instantly, from surprise, to pleasure, to touched
    by such a thoughtful gift. He reached out to pet
    the dog who was part wolf and Diefenbaker.
    "Welcome Lincoln.  You're as beautiful as your
    father."  Turning to his considerate bedmate now,
    "Thank you very kindly Ray.", then kissed him
    thoroughly.
    
    When they pulled away, Ray asked after the kids
    that were lost.  Ben was smiling and told him that
    he successfully found them alive and as well as can
    be expected for being lost and scared in the
    wilderness.  "They were hungry enough to eat bugs
    and fuzzy nightcrawlers."  Ray's nose scrunched up
    and he shuddered in disgusted recollection. "Yuk!
    You didn't feed those poor kids that did you?  I
    could swear I felt those things crawling around
    inside me for days."  Ben laughed at the desired
    reaction he'd gotten, "No, I had enough food in my
    pack for them.  But I guess that means you don't
    want a snack?  I brought *you* back some."  Ray
    liked that giggle of Ben's and playfully pulled
    away from him pretending offense. "I'll sic my
    mother on you if you don't feed me better than
    that."  They were both laughing now.  "I'm glad
    your back.  I wanted to thank-you."  "For what?"
    "For being you and loving me enough to let me in to
    see you better."  A puzzled Fraser responded,
    "Hmm?"  Ray looked at him seriously now. "You
    probably noticed.  Actually I know you noticed I
    had your journals."  Ben gazed back at him worried
    what his lover's reactions to them - and hence
    himself - would be. "Yes I did.  Did you read them
    all?"  Ray didn't break eye contact. "I read
    everything from a week before the rape until now.
    I love you so much.  I wanted to understand what
    you went through; see how I could help you."  Ben
    pulled him close and choked out, "You just did."
    
    ***************************************************
    
    Ray started his temporary security job at the
    airport tommorrow, so they wanted to finish up
    building the bathroom for the cabin today.  They'd
    been working on it these last 2 weeks, just needing
    to put some finishing touches to the fixtures and
    tiling now.  The room was a little more fancy than
    he would have chosen for himself, he was used to
    the outhouse out back afterall, so anything after
    that was fancy.  As promised he had let Ray pick
    out the fixtures for the room and he liked the
    choices made for a tub with enclosed shower, sink
    and mirror, the works.
    
    Ray had removed his shirt a short time ago, when he
    started working up a sweat when putting in the
    shower door.  That was about the time when Fraser's
    attention to his own work started wavering.  After
    that task of Ray's was done, he was on his knees
    back turned to Ben as he leaned over the tub edge
    to work inside it, half-in and half-out.  He was
    wearing those tight jeans again and Fraser's eyes
    kept drifting over, distracted from his own job
    across the room, to gaze at the firm butt, as Ray
    unknowingly teased him as he periodically stretched
    and rhythmically rocked back and forth while in
    this position in the tub.
    
    He was thinking how good it would taste and feel to
    lick that back, when he felt a building sensation
    in his groin.  Watching Ray at work like this was
    really turning him on.  "Ahh Ray?"  "Mmmm."  "Could
    you help me with something?"  "Sure Fraser. Just
    one screw and I'll be there."  "Ray are you talking
    dirty to me again?" he teased.  "Benny I'm shocked.
    But if that's how you interpreted it.  I won't deny
    it."  He was standing in front of him now, so
    temptingly close.  "What can I help you with
    Benny?"  Concern etched Ray's features now when he
    saw the slightly flushed look on Ben's face, "Hey
    you ok?  You look feverish."  He placed his hand on
    Ben's forehead.  Ben placed his hand on top of the
    one on his head and slowly guided it palm down
    along the front of his own jeans. "As you can see
    its a different kind of fever Ray.  I have a
    project for you.  Are you interested?"  Ray's
    wicked smile came out at the sound of his lover's
    suggestion and then the moan as his hand continued
    to move teasingly over Ben's straining bulge. "Is
    that a hammer in your pocket or are you just glad
    to see me?"  Ben wanted all of Ray so desperately
    at that moment, that in a sultry voice he spoke, "I
    think the shower needs to be tested Ray."  Ray was
    already working at Ben's shirt buttons. "I agree.
    Its got to be tested some time Benny.  Now is as
    good a time as any."  Both now nude, they made
    their way to the new shower and laughed at the very
    slow light trickle of water that was coming out of
    the showerhead.  "Looks like the pressure isn't
    quite ready yet.  But the pressure inside me feels
    ready to burst."  As they caressed, groped, licked,
    nibbled, sucked at each other with increasing
    passion, the pressure increased and they were both
    soon feeling warm wet refreshing bursts.  When at
    last their lovemaking left them fully content but
    spent, Ben smiled happily into his lover's eyes.
    "I think the shower needs to be tested regularly
    from now on Ray.  You never know when that pressure
    is going to act up again."  THE END
    
    WASH ME CLEAN
    By KD Lang from the album 'Engenue'
    
    "You swim, swim through my veins.
    Drown me in you(r) Ray.
    
    My desire carries no shame.
    My will will harbor no pain.
    
    WASH, WASH ME CLEAN.
    MEND MY WOUNDED SEAMS.
    CLEANSE MY TARNISHED DREAMS.
    
    Swim, swim through my veins.
    Drown me in you(r) Ray.
    
    WASH, WASH ME CLEAN.
    MEND MY WOUNDED SEAMS.
    CLEANSE MY TARNISHED DREAMS.
    
    Drink, drink from my spell.
    Quench love's drying well.
    
    WASH, WASH ME CLEAN.
    MEND MY WOUNDED SEAMS.
    CLEANSE MY TARNISHED DREAMS."
    
    THE END
    

* * *


End file.
